i'm your playground love

i had an mri.
turns out i had something wrong with my sinuses
i am on some hard core antibiotics now.

i already am done christmas shopping for everyone, but am already reconsidering taking them back.

i hate the pressure.

everything is so fucking shitty lately

I'm not sure what to do or how i'm feeling

i feel like i am constantly in a fight.
i am bloated
and have my period
and have to dress up for a wedding where of course the dress won't fit because of my period.
fml
FML

i am in a rut
a mental rut
a relationship rut
i can't stand being home but i have no where to go
i am bitter and jealous and i just need to stop and breathe.

i discovered recently that i hoard.
i am a hoarder.
of small things like toiletries and old greeting cards.

i ran out of tags today at the store, and i use old greeting cards as tags... cheap and cute.

i knew i had old lunch boxes full of them (apparently i also hoard my elementary school lunch boxes since i have 3 that i know of)
i started rifling threw the boxes to see which cards i did not need, ones from aunts, cousins, etc., and ones i would keep, like ones from my parents.

i came across a card from my grandmother who died when i was in 10th grade. we were some what close but i know if she were alive today we could be extremely close.

it was a birthday card 'happy birthday to a special great-granddaughter'
it was supposed to go to my younger cousin, leah, but my grandmother thought it was like a GREAT! granddaughter.

i miss her, and this card immediately made me sad, for things going on now and things that have happened.
i want to hold on to it and make sure i know where it is always.

things are such a hot mess right now
i have no idea what to do
or how to deal

i'm all over the place.